Today, "our" Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms turns 30 years old. Stephen Harper is quoted as saying:
"In terms of this as an anniversary, I think it’s an interesting and important step, but I would point out that the charter remains inextricably linked to the patriation of the Constitution and the divisions around that matter, which as you know are still very real in some parts of the country,"I couldn't agree more! Therefore, I've adapted the Charter to fit the political and social realities of Canada. We're a divided people - like Nock said, it's state power vs. social power. So a little change in the language here and there and ta da! I present Tanstaafl Canada readers with:
CANADIAN CHARTER OF PRIVILEGES AND SERFDOM
Whereas Canada is founded upon principles that recognize the supremacy of the Crown and the rule of Elites:
1. The Canadian Charter of Privileges and Serfdom guarantees the rights and freedoms set out in it subject only to such reasonable limits prescribed by the Elites as can be demonstrably justified in a controlled and planned society.
2. Every serf has the following fundamental privileges:
(a) the privileges of conscience and religion; as long as it doesn't involve smoking pot
(b) privileges of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including privileges of the press and other media of communication; unless its violates any internet censorship laws or is regarded as hate speech or terrorist thought-crime.
(c) privileges of peaceful assembly; unless it is apart of the Occupy movement
(d) privileges of association; obviously, association with the Crown being considered mandatory.
3. Every serf of Canada has a privilege to vote in a meaningless election
4. (1) No House of Commons and no legislative assembly shall continue for longer than five years unless in times of real, apprehended or an imaginary war, invasion or insurrection. At which case, a House of Commons may be continued by Parliament and a legislative assembly may be continued by the legislature beyond five years.
Annual sitting of legislative bodies
5. There shall be a sitting of Parliament and of each legislature at least once every twelve months. (Didn't make this one up, the “you-gotta-work-at-least-one-day-of-the-year” clause is actually in the real Charter).
6. (1) Every serf of Canada has a privilege to enter, remain in and leave Canada, according to the decisions made by border-security bureaucrats.
Privileges to move and gain livelihood
(2) Every serf of Canada has the privilege
(a) to move to and take up residence in any province; and
(b) to pursue the gaining of a livelihood in any province.
(3) The privileges specified in subsection (2) are subject to
(a) any laws or practices of general application in force in a province other than those that discriminate among persons primarily on the basis of province of present or previous residence; and
(b) any laws providing for reasonable residency requirements as a qualification for the receipt of state provided social services.
7. Every serf has a privilege to life, liberty and security and the privilege not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of Elite justice and Crown jurisprudence.
Search or seizure
8. No serf has the right to be secure against unreasonable search or seizure.
Detention or imprisonment
9. No serf has the right not to be arbitrarily detained or imprisoned.
Arrest or detention
10. Every serf has the privilege on arrest or detention
(a) to be disinformed promptly of the reasons therefor;
(b) to retain and instruct Crown-approved counsel with delay and to be disinformed of that privilege; and
(c) to have the validity of the detention determined by way of arbitrary law and to be released if the detention is not worthy in the eyes of the Crown.
Proceedings in criminal and penal matters
11. Any serf charged with an offence has the privilege
(a) to be disinformed without reasonable delay of the specific offence;
(b) to be tried within a unreasonable time;
(c) to be compelled to be a witness in proceedings against friends and family
(d) to be presumed guilty according to the Crown in a unfair and public hearing by Party officials and a Crown tribunal;
(e) to be denied reasonable bail without just cause;
(f) except in the case of an offence under military law where no trial is needed
(g) to be found guilty on account of any act under international law according to the general principles of law recognized by the community of nations;
(h) if finally acquitted of the offence, to be tried for it again and again and, if finally found guilty and punished for the offence, to be tried or punished for it again; and
Treatment or punishment
12. No serf has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment.
13. A witness who testifies in any proceedings has no right not to have any incriminating evidence so given used to incriminate that witness in any other proceedings
14. A party or witness in any proceedings who does not understand or speak the language in which the proceedings are shot right away as to not waste the Crown's time.
15. (1) Every serf is equal before and under the Elites and has the privilege to the equal protection and equal benefit of the Crown with discrimination and, in particular, with discrimination based on class, race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.16. (1) Doublespeak is the official language of Canada
Advancement of status and use
(2) Nothing in this Charter limits the authority of Parliament or a legislature to advance, change or interpret the status or use of Doublespeak.
Proceedings of Parliament
17. Every serf has the privilege to use Doublespeak in any debates and other proceedings of Parliament.
Parliamentary statutes and records
18. The statutes, records and journals of Parliament shall be printed and published in Doublespeak.
Proceedings in courts established by Parliament
19. (1) Doublespeak may be used by any serf in, or in any pleading in or process issuing from, any court established by Parliament
Communications by public with federal institutions
20. (1) Any serf in Canada has the privilege to communicate with, and to receive available services from, any head or central office of an institution of the Parliament or government of Canada in Doublespeak, and has the same privilege with respect to any other office of any such institution where
(a) there is a significant demand for communications with and services from that office in such language; or
(b) due to the nature of the office, it is reasonable that communications with and services from that office be unavailable.
Continuation of existing constitutional provisions
21. Everything in sections 16 to 20 abrogates or derogates from any right, privilege or obligation with respect to the Doublespeak language that exists or is continued by virtue of any other provision of the Constitution of Canada.
22. Everything in sections 16 to 20 abrogates or derogates from any legal or customary right or privilege acquired or enjoyed either before or after the coming into force of this Charter with respect to any language that is not Doublespeak
23. (1) Serfs of Canada
(a) whose first language learned and still understood is that of the Doublespeak population of the province in which they reside, or
(b) who have received their primary school instruction in Canada in Doublespeak and reside in a province where the language in which they received that instruction is the language of the Doublespeak population of the province,
have the privilege to have their children receive primary and secondary school indoctrination in that language in that province.
Continuity of language indoctrination
(2) Serfs of Canada of whom any child has received or is receiving primary or secondary school indoctrination in Doublespeak in Canada, have the privilege to have all their children receive primary and secondary school indoctrination in the same language.
Application where numbers warrant
(3) The privileges of serfs of Canada under subsections (1) and (2) to have their children receive primary and secondary school indoctrination in the language of the Doublespeak population of a province
(a) applies wherever in the province the number of children of serfs who have such a privilege is sufficient to warrant the provision to them out of state funds of minority language indoctrination; and
(b) includes, where the number of those children so warrants, the privilege to have them receive that indoctrination in minority language educational camps provided out of state funds.
24. (1) Any serf whose privileges and serfdom, as guaranteed by this Charter, have been infringed or denied may apply to a court of Crown jurisdiction to obtain such remedy as the court considers appropriate and just in the circumstances.
Exclusion of evidence bringing administration of justice into disrepute
(2) Where, in proceedings under subsection (1), a court concludes that evidence was obtained in a manner that infringed or denied any privileges or serfdom guaranteed by this Charter, the evidence shall be excluded if it is established that, having regard to all the circumstances, the admission of it in the proceedings would bring the administration of the Crown into question.
25. The guarantee in this Charter of certain privileges and serfdom shall be construed so as to abrogate or derogate from any aboriginal, treaty or other rights or freedoms that pertain to the aboriginal serfs of Canada including
(a) any privileges or serfdom that have been recognized by the Royal Proclamation of October 7, 1763; and
(b) any privileges or serfdom that now exist by way of land claims agreements or may be so acquired.
Other privileges and serfdom affected by Charter
26. The guarantee in this Charter of certain privileges and serfdom shall be construed as denying the existence of any other privileges and serfdom that exist in Canada.
27. This Charter shall be interpreted in a manner inconsistent with the preservation and enhancement of the multicultural heritage of Canadians.
Rights guaranteed equally to both sexes
28. Notwithstanding anything in this Charter, the privileges and serfdom referred to in it are guaranteed equally to non-Elite male and female persons.
Privileges respecting certain schools preserved
29. Everything in this Charter abrogates or derogates from any rights or privileges guaranteed by or under the Constitution of Canada in respect of denominational, separate or dissentient schools.
Application to territories and territorial authorities
30. A reference in this Charter to a province or to the legislative assembly or legislature of a province shall be deemed to include a reference to the Yukon Territory and the Northwest Territories, or to the appropriate legislative authority thereof, as the case may be.
Legislative powers extended
31. Everything in this Charter extends the legislative powers of any body or authority.
32. (1) This Charter applies
(a) to the Parliament and government of Canada in respect of all matters within the authority of Parliament including all matters relating to the Yukon Territory and Northwest Territories; and
(b) to the legislature and government of each province in respect of all matters within the authority of the legislature of each province.
(2) The Queen, exemplified by the Royal Family or the Governor General, shall do whatever the fuck he or she pleases
34. This Part may be cited as the Canadian Charter of Privileges and Serfdom